Unlearn perfectionism to make room for greatness
Perfectionism is a tricky thing to pin down. It can masquerade as high standards, strong ambition, or “just wanting to do your best”, which makes it dangerously easily to categorize as adaptable and resilient. But at its core, perfectionism is not about healthy striving or growth, it’s about fear. It is the uncompromising belief that anything less than flawless is unacceptable. It can be a paralyzing and debilitating fear of making mistakes, being judged, or falling short in ways that feel intolerable. Perfectionism can show up in many ways: procrastinating on a project because it’s not quite ready, rereading an email five times before sending it, or feeling crushed by anything less than an personal best in an athletic endeavor. Perfectionism whispers the lie that our self worth hinges on getting it exactly right. When self-worth becomes tied to performance, any crack feels catastrophic.
I’ve worked with many clients who are top students, high-level athletes, or notable professionals in their field. On paper, these clients looked like they had it all together, but internally they were absolutely drowning. So many of the clients I work with describe lying awake at night, replaying every interaction from the day, worrying they said the wrong thing or let someone down. Their accomplishments don’t soothe them; instead they only raised the bar higher. For many people, perfectionism begins as a tool to protect the self, but becomes a cage they find themselves trapped inside.
The pitfalls of perfectionism are well-documented. Research links it to anxiety, depression, burnout, eating disorders, and even physical health problems. It can erode creativity, relationships, and self-confidence. Because perfection is unattainable, the perfectionist is often caught in a loop of striving and self-criticism, always chasing a moving target. And ironically, the fear of failing can lead to avoidance or underperformance- the exact outcomes perfectionists most dread.
Certain life expericnes and characteristics can make people more vulnerable to perfectionist thinking. Those with a history of trauma, family enmeshment, high levels of emotional expression in the family, or overly critical and harsh family, peers, and partners are particularly susceptible. These environments can cause an individual to internalize high expectations, harsh criticism, and the belief that love or approval must be earned. Add in our culture, where social media curates only the most polished versions of life, and it’s easier than ever to feel like “good enough” is never enough. It’s important to realize that perfectionism is not a personal flaw or inherent and immutable attribute; it’s a pattern, shaped by many forces, and it can be unlearned.
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What helps?
Building awareness. Try tracking perfectionist thoughts. What triggers them? What do they sound like? Notice the “shoulds,” the catastrophizing, the all-or-nothing thinking. Labeling perfectionism helps loosen its grip.
Experiment with small acts of imperfection. Send the email without the sixth reread, leave something in the closet out of place, let the last mile split be the slowest, speak up without rehearsing exactly what you want to say. These “exposures” can rewire the brain to tolerate uncertainty and reduce shame over small flaws.
Practice self-compassion. Research by Kristin Neff shows that people who treat themselves with kindness- not criticism- are more resilient, motivated, and perform better over the long haul. Ask yourself, “What would I say to a friend who made this mistake?” Then try saying it to yourself. Allow yourself to recollect all of the accomplishments to date instead of only focusing on the failures or things yet to be achieved. Remind yourself that you don’t have to be flawless to be worthy of love, respect, and rest.
Shift from outcome-based goals (“I have to get it perfect”) to process-based ones (“I want to show up with integrity”). This fosters growth instead of judgment. Reframe life from a performance or test to a practice.
You don’t have to abandon excellence to unlearn perfectionism. The most successful and impactful people are often the ones willing to show up imperfectly- with courage, humility, and honesty. Give it a try and give yourself the opportunity to experience something different.