Thrive wherever life takes you #6

One adventure in the books:

Greetings from McDowell Mountain Regional Park in Arizona! It’s that time of year again, the snow is falling, the powder is fresh, and Coloradans of all ages are clamoring to go skiing. For me and my family, these seasonal changes meant it was time to pack up the camper van and go to a more temperate climate. Enter Arizona! To many people I know, and certainly to many I don’t, I’m sure this decision seems like an odd one.

First there is the matter of two people and two dogs choosing to live in a 70 square foot van plus a 50 square foot trailer. Most people would say I’m sacrificing a lot here: space, comfort, ease and convenience, an oven…

There are also plenty of people who would say I’m missing out on winter in the mountains, downhill skiing, cross country skiing, winter hiking…

There is truth in these statements of course. All decisions come with opportunity cost. Any time we make a decision to pursue one path or do one thing, we give up our opportunity to choose another. In fact, research indicates that the greater the number of desirable outcomes we are deciding between, the harder it is to make a decision and the more likely we are to be unsatisfied with our choice or feel we have missed out.

What’s a decision maker to do? One thing I recommend is to reflect on how a choice is or is not aligned with your values. Values are one-word, fundamental beliefs, that guide our motivations and actions, help us determine what is important, and can shape how we see the world and ourselves in it. If you’ve never done a value sort, I encourage you to give it a try. It’s an interesting activity to get to know yourself better. It’s a valuable activity because there is a lot of evidence showing that when the decisions and choices we make are aligned with our values, we tend to feel the most content and experience the least amount of regret.

So, returning to van life…someone who’s top values are comfort, moderation, stability, routine, and order would probably not thrive with the decision I made this winter. However, someone like myself who’s top values include adventure, challenge, change, and growth, is likely to be very happy. The thing to remember about decisions and values is that there isn’t a right or a wrong. Some values are not inherently better than others. It’s about knowing yourself so that you can understand what makes you happy and how you will truly thrive.

One lesson worth learning:

Learn to tolerate being uncomfortable

Most people dislike feeling uncomfortable. Blame it on evolution. There’s an evolutionary advantage to avoiding stimuli that are likely to cause you bodily harm. However, as human beings we cannot escape all the negative experiences, sensations, and emotions that might come our way. Furthermore, I would argue that perhaps we shouldn’t. I am not talking about truly unsafe situations, like touching a hot stove, walking on thin ice, or getting in a vehicle with a drunk driver, to name a few. No, I’m talking about that creeping feeling of discomfort you might experience when you think about speaking up at that meeting but feeling nervous you’ll embarrass yourself, making a career switch you’ve always wanted but feel intimidated by, or signing up for a grand adventure that is at the edge of your comfort zone.

We are capable of becoming more comfortable with, or tolerating, discomfort. It’s a skill we train by doing. Each time you are able to embrace discomfort, you build experience and resilience, understand what helps you make it through, and build up confidence that you can do it again.

If you want to get more comfortable being uncomfortable, try these tools.

-       Start small: Think about rating things that make you uncomfortable on a scale from 1-10. Start with something that’s a 2 or 3 on that scale. For some people, that might be trying a new food, introducing yourself to your new co-worker, or taking the pictures you want to post on your dating app. Whatever it is, starting small is important because it allows you to build confidence and experience success. If we start with something that is a 10/10 hard and have a negative experience, we are less likely to want to try again.

-       Don’t compare yourself to others, focus on your own growth: I know you’ve probably heard this before, but let me remind you…comparison is the thief of joy. No matter how strong, fast, witty, intelligent, or capable you are there is likely someone out there you could compare yourself to and come up feeling lacking. Unless you are an Olympic athlete, the point is rarely ever to be the best at something. Instead, it’s about being better than you were yesterday, last month, or last year. Compare your progress to your past, not to others.

-       Use self-soothing activities while you’re in the thick of it: Self soothing activities help you regulate your nervous system and manage your bodies’ flight or fight response. Try using grounding, mindfulness, visual imagery, or progressive muscle relaxation. One byproduct of these activities is that we often create some distance from negative, unhelpful ways of thinking (e.g., “This is way too much for me, I just cant handle it, I’ll never be able to do this”). Every time one of these thoughts arises, catch it and think about placing it on a cloud in the sky, a ripple in a river, or setting down heavy baggage along a trail. Let the thought leave your mind. At first when you’re doing something uncomfortable you might have to do this 50 times. But over time, you’ll notice you are able to set aside negative and unhelpful thoughts for longer periods of time, and the number of times you have to catch and set aside these thoughts will decrease.

-       Make sure your inner dialogue is helping you not hurting you: Thoughts such as “I cant bear this for another minute”, “I’ll never be able to stand it”, or “I just cant take this anymore” might be a natural part of many people’s inner dialogue when faced with an uncomfortable and distressing situation. As you might be able to imagine, allowing your brain to entertain these types of thoughts only contributes to greater discomfort, higher levels of negative emotion, and make it less likely that you will be able to tolerate a challenging situation. If you notice thoughts like these arise, try catching them and replacing them with something more neutral, balanced, or open-minded. This could be a statement such as “I’ve never done this before and it’s really hard, I wonder how long I can keep this up”, or “This requires a lot of my effort and energy but I’d like to hang on as long as I can.”

-       Half smile: This tool is from dialectical behavior therapy. The idea is that when you are uncomfortable, try putting a smile or half smile on your face. This may sound too simple to be effective, but there is an immense amount of research backing up this simple concept. When research participants were asked to tolerate uncomfortable stimuli, a half smile allowed them to endure the uncomfortable situation for significantly longer periods of time.

-       Take opposite action: This is another tool from dialectical behavior therapy. This concept refers to doing the opposite of a pattern of acting or behaving that is keeping you stuck. When it comes to tolerating uncomfortable situations, actions that might be keeping you stuck include avoidance of discomfort, escaping difficult moments, and always distracting yourself from distress. Imagine a situation that is very difficult for you, and allow yourself to think about what your natural, ingrained response might be. Now, try to think of the opposite action. This often means gently leaning into discomfort or sitting with something difficult for a short period of time before giving into escape or distraction behaviors.

One quote I’m loving right now:

“Instead of being terrified by how far you have to go, be inspired by how far you’ve already come”