Learning how and why to say no: The power of setting and maintaining boundaries
“Yes, I can have the project finished by Monday” (Even if it means I’ll spend all weekend working on it)
“Yes, I can loan you money” (again, even though you still haven’t paid me back from last time, or the time before)
“Yes, I can watch your dogs” (even though I really wanted a carefree easy-going weekend)
“Yes, I can babysit” (even though watching your kids makes me anxious and I had other plans)
Sound familiar? How many times have you said “yes” when you would have rather said “no”. And when you do manage to say it, why is it often followed by feelings of guilt or shame. Guilt that you’ve let someone else down. Or shame that you aren’t perfect and cannot handle everything all at once.
Of course it can feel rewarding and satisfying to help someone out or do someone a favor. However, if your ability to say no and set and maintain boundaries is about as strong as your willpower to resist petting a cute puppy, then your wellbeing and your relationships may be suffering.
Take inventory
Many people have strong, though often unfounded, beliefs about saying no and setting boundaries. I call these “myths about interpersonal effectiveness”. Here are some common myths.
“Saying no will offend other people”
“I should be willing to sacrifice my own needs for others”
“Saying no to a request is selfish”
“Asking for help or making requests of others is self-centered”
“If I say no it means I’ve failed and am inadequate”
“Saying no will make others look at me in a negative light”
“If I say no I will never connect with others/have close friends”
“If I don’t always say yes I won’t progress/get promoted at work”
Maybe you identify with some of these. Maybe you identify with a lot of these. Maybe you read this list and said, these aren’t myths, these are truths. The truth is that setting boundaries and saying no when you need to or even simply when you want to, will enhance your mental well-being, enhance the quality of your performance on the things you do say yes to, and will actually improve your relationships with important people in your life. Knowing your limits and being able to say ‘no’ allows you to show up 100% when you say yes. It contributes to productivity, efficiency, and high quality work. It also makes others more likely to describe you as focused, diligent, productive, impactful, and reliable.
Specific ways you can experiment with saying no
- Just ‘No’. “No, thank you” or “No, I won’t be able to” are stand-alone sentences. You are allowed to say no without apologizing, justifying, excusing, or backpedaling. Say no and then move on.
- Kind but firm. “I’m so grateful for your invitation, I’m sorry I won’t be able to join you this time.” Let someone know your grateful for their asking, but your time is already committed.
- Suggest an alternate. “I would love to get together, but I’m just not able to this week. Could you ask me again next week” or “None of those dates work for me, but I would love to see you. How about xxx date”. If you genuinely want to say yes but are feeling overwhelmed suggest doing something at a time that works better for you. The other person can always say no if it doesn’t work for them.
- Say what you can do. Sometimes it feels good to focus on what you can offer rather than what you can’t. “No I won’t be able to do that, but what I can do is…”. Only offer up the commitment that works for you.
- Offer truths and good wishes. “I can’t add any more commitments to my calendar this month, but I wish you good luck in finding someone”.
- You can be vague if you want. “Thank you for asking me, but that’s just not going to work for me”. Again, you don’t have to explain or justify yourself or your decision.
- Let the other person know it’s not personal. “I’m honored you thought of me, but I’m not taking on any new projects at all this quarter.”
- Buy yourself time. “Let me think about it and get back to you.” You do not have to have an answer in the moment. Give yourself space to think through how you will feel (both positive and negative emotions) if you say yes.
- Communicate your why. Sometimes by choosing to share the why behind our “no” we can lay the groundwork to make it easier to say no next time. While you are never obligated to share your reasons or justify your ‘no’, this can remove some of the stress or anxiety of being placed in a similar situation next time. “I’m working on spending more time with my family this summer, so I’m not going to be taking on new work for the next few months” or “That’s the day of my son’s baseball game and I just never miss those”.
- Express that you’re committed to something else. Letting others know you are saying no because you’re already fully committed to something else can actually make you come across as thoughtful, diligent, and reliable.
- Set your own timeframe. “I can’t add anything onto my calendar this month, but the next time you’re planning to go _____, let me know as soon as you can because I would love to go with you.” This can communicate interest, but also express that you may not be able to accommodate a last minute request.
Experiment with different ways of saying no in different contexts (i.e., work and personal life). Just like many things, once you start saying no it gets easier. Each time you clearly communicate and uphold a boundary the anxiety around doing it next time gets a little smaller. Over time you’ll hone a “script” or “recipe” that tends to work best for you, feels genuine, and is effective.