The trouble with black and white thinking and how to embrace the gray
The way that we think has an enormous impact on our mood and our behavior. This claim is well-researched and is a core principle of Cognitive Behavioral Therapy, an immensely efficacious treatment modality for depression, anxiety, managing stress, boosting confidence, and a whole host of other mental health concerns.
Cognitive behavioral therapy purports that all humans have patterns of thinking, or common ways of processing information and thinking about ourselves, others, and the world around us. Patterns of thinking are not necessarily good nor bad, but may be more or less useful depending on context and our ability to show cognitive flexibility in our use of thinking styles.
For a full list of common thinking styles and patterns check out this link. One of the most common thinking patterns I observe in my clients is black and white thinking. Black and white thinking (also known as all or nothing thinking) is a pattern of thinking in absolutes or extremes. When we are engaging in black and white thinking something is either right or wrong, we’ve executed it perfectly or we have failed, we are either ecstatic or miserable, crushing a diet plan or have fallen off the bandwagon, feeling productive and accomplished or telling ourselves we are a complete sloth.
The trouble with black and white thinking is rooted in perfectionism. If we believe that sustained perfectionism represents “success” we are setting ourselves up for failure. Because sustained perfectionism in any domain, just isn’t feasible. Sure, we can strive for and achieve many moments of excellence, but expecting yourself to get it perfectly right every time? Leaving no room for mistakes, learning, growth, setbacks, or challenges beyond our control is not very realistic. Black and white thinking keeps us trapped then, because if we aren’t getting it perfectly right every time (which, of course we aren’t, we cant) then we are failing.
What if instead of viewing a 50% hit rate as a failure, we viewed it as a small win, as a partial success? Whether we are talking about exercise habits, food and dietary habits, productivity at work, or even personal time with family or other important hobbies, viewing partial wins and half completed goals with a gray lens is helpful because it allows you to celebrate and acknowledge what you have done, while still encouraging yourself to strive for better next time. This is thinking in the gray. On the other hand, black and white thinking invalidates our hard work and effort.
Think about how you might have a different emotional and behavioral response to the following two ways of thinking:
- I told myself I’m not eating any sugar this week, but its only Wednesday and I’ve already messed up. Ugh. Why am I so weak, why do I keep failing? I have no willpower. Might as well finish the bag of cookies and try again next week. Maybe one of these weeks I’ll finally get it right.
- I told myself I wanted to cut back on my sugar consumption this week, and I’ve eaten more of it than I wanted to today. The first two days this week went pretty well. Two out of three days isn’t bad, and I think I can do better. How can I make tomorrow more successful than today was?
One way to embrace thinking in the gray is to swap the word “and” for “but”. It may sound like a simple linguistic swap, however, the word but has the emotional impact of invalidating everything that came before it, while the word and creates space for both statements (gray thinking).
- I want to spend more time with my family, but I keep prioritizing work
- I want to spend more time with my family, and while I am trying hard I am struggling to balance work and family life
- I want to be healthier but I never exercise
- I want to be healthier, and right now I’m not exercising as often as I would like in order to feel that way
- It’s important to me to save more money but I spend too much
- It’s important to me to save money, and while I save a little I would like to continue to cut back on my spending
Practice catching black and white thinking. Notice if you are thinking in extremes, falling into the trap of equating perfectionism with success, and using a lot of “but” statements.
Notice the emotional and behavioral impact of this way of thinking. It is helpful? Is it truly motivating you to feel better or do better?
Experiment with finding the shades of gray and embracing your partial victories. When we don’t view ourselves as failures, we tend to feel better about ourselves and typically have more motivation and fortitude to chase our goals.