How to handle difficult people (without losing your mind)
Last week, I found myself gritting my teeth during a conversation with someone who always seems to get under my skin. This person isn’t cruel or overtly aggressive- they’re just a bit dismissive, occasionally condescending, and not the best at listening. Every time we interact, I walk away feeling frustrated, self-doubting, and mentally drained. On the outside, I probably looked calm and composed (at least I hope I did). On the inside? My nervous system was on high alert, spinning with comebacks I didn’t say and wondering why this bothered me so much.
Most of us have someone like this in our lives- a colleague, family member, or acquaintance who pushes our buttons in ways that feel disproportionate. Difficult people don’t just annoy us, they activate us. Our bodies react as if we’re under threat. Heart rate increases. Muscles tense. The thinking part of our brain gets hijacked by more primitive stress responses (hello, fight-flight-freeze). In short, we’re not just frustrated, we’re physiologically dysregulated.
When we’re stuck in this reactive state, it becomes hard to set boundaries, communicate clearly, or stay grounded in our own values. The goal isn’t to make the difficult person less difficult- because, let’s be honest, that’s not always within our control. The goal is to better regulate ourselves so we can engage (or disengage) with intention, not reactivity.
Consider trying one of these ideas to help you stay sane and steady in the presence of difficult people.
Name it to tame it.
Awareness is the first step toward self-regulation. Labeling your emotions has been shown in studies to reduce activity in the amygdala, the brain’s emotional alarm system. This may help us regulate the intensity of the emotion we are feeling. Instead of thinking, “Ugh, this person is the worst,” try, “My nervous system is getting activated right now.” This shift in framing, from judgment to observation, may help decrease reactivity and high levels of distress.
Ground your body.
When triggered, your body will benefit from a cue that helps you feel stable or safe. Grounding techniques- simple, practical strategies that help you reconnect with your body- may help. They work by engaging your senses or your body to regulate your nervous system and reestablish a sense of stability. Try pressing your feet into the floor, taking a slow, conscious breath, or subtly clench and release your fists under the table. These actions cue your parasympathetic nervous system, helping you stay connected to the present moment rather than spiraling into fight-or-flight.
Get curious instead of furious.
Psychologist Tara Brach encourages what she calls the “U-turn”, turning inward to ask, “What’s really going on for me?” Often, difficult people tap into something deeper: a wound, an insecurity, a need for validation. Getting curious doesn’t mean excusing poor behavior- it means understanding your own reaction to it, which gives you more choice in how to respond.
Use mental boundaries.
You might not always be able to create physical distance, but you can create psychological space. Visualize a clear boundary, like a glass wall, between yourself and the other person’s behavior. Try reminding yourself “Their emotions are theirs. I don’t have to absorb them.”
Debrief and discharge later.
Difficult interactions often linger in our bodies. After the fact, give yourself time to decompress. Take a walk, shake out tension, or write down what happened. Even five minutes of processing can help complete the stress cycle and prevent emotional residue from building up over time.
The truth is, difficult people aren’t going away. But when we shift the focus from changing them to managing ourselves, we reclaim our sense of power. We remember that we can stay connected to our values even in the face of stress. And maybe we can move through these interactions with a little more grace, a little less reactivity, and a lot more compassion for ourselves.